Keepin’ On: The Internet Dating Update

By popular request, I am writing an update about my dating foibles.

Okay, just one person requested it, but she’s very popular, so I think that counts.

It’s been a year since I wrote this post about not being ready to date. I stayed off the dating sites through the holidays, because starting something new at the holidays is so awkward. You’re not sure if your new beau is ready to join your wacky family for Thanksgiving, but it might be rude not to invite him. Then there’s that question of what to buy him for Christmas, trying to match the gift to whatever stage of the relationship you’re in. New guys at the holidays really are no fun at all. Unless you’re into cozy evenings by the fire, romantic walks through beautifully lit neighborhoods, planning holiday surprises, or having someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve.

But, you know…who really likes all that stuff anyway? Not me, obviously. I waited for January.

Turns out, everyone waits for January. The dating sites were hopping with activity so I had lots of opportunities to meet new people. And I did. I don’t even know how many. Here are the highlights, and I’m using that word very loosely.

I met a funny, sexy, articulate guy named Joe. (There are enough Joes in the world that I can just use his name, right?) Joe was extremely flakey. You know those people who make vague or tentative plans with you and either don’t follow through or wait til the very last minute to solidify? He was one of those. He always left me hanging. I don’t like that feeling, so I backed off and waited for him to call me. He didn’t like that much. “Why don’t you ever call me?” he asked. “Why do I always have to call you?” I said, “I don’t want to chase you. You seem like you’re always half-assing it. I don’t mind if we only see each other occasionally, but you’ve got to let me know what’s going on so I can plan.” And he said, “Why do all girls want to have this relationship talk so soon?”

Huh? Relationship? That’s not a relationship talk. That’s a scheduling talk. But Flakey Joe’s half-assed ways got annoying so I resumed my search.

I met a guy who spent 45 minutes of my time complaining to me about his ex-wife. He asked me how long I’d been divorced and I told him: 17 years. And he said, “Wow. That’s a really long time. What do you think the problem is?” Because there MUST be something wrong with me if I haven’t remarried by now. Duh.

I met one guy whom I actually dated for a couple months. He was not a very good kisser. Do you know how hard it is to get past that? But he was fun to be with, except when he was kissing me, so I decided to give it some time and see how it went. (See? I try. I don’t give up right away.) It didn’t go very well. Bad kissing leads to bad other things. And those other things were pretty bad. (It would be rude for me to get into details here. Buy me a couple drinks and I’ll give you specifics if you want them.) Anyway, I was gimping it along with Mr. Unsexy and then one day, at a hangover breakfast, while I was eating a reasonably healthy half-order of poached eggs and asparagus and he was eating a giant plate of steak and eggs with hash browns and a Bloody Mary the size of my head, he gently suggested that maybe “we” should try to lose some weight.

We. Did I mention that Unsexy was very skinny? And that I am not? Yeah. I decided to stop overlooking his gross lack of skills and get the heck out of there.

I spoke with another guy, a big shot I now refer to as The Onceler, who asked me what I was doing that evening. I said I had to work—I had to write some web content and load it into our company website. He said, “I have a Filipino virtual assistant who does that for pennies.” I think that may be the rudest thing someone has ever said to me that early in a conversation. Not to mention all the levels of wrongness inherent in that statement.

There was the red-headed mailman who spoke a total of 17 words during our whole date. And I had to ask him 17 questions to get those words out of him.

I went out with another guy whose lack of confidence made me cringe. At one point in the date, he got up to use the restroom and when he came back, he looked at me with surprise and said, “Oh, you’re still here!”

I met one guy who was really nice to talk to and very interesting, but he never put the moves on me. Still, it was fun at first. His Pinterest boards were almost identical to mine! He enjoyed looking at old houses, just like me, and shopping for home décor, just like me, and the more I got to know him, the more certain I became that he probably should be dating dudes (just like me). Raised in a strict, conservative, religious environment; adamantly and loudly homophobic; sews his own curtains…it was repression stew. And even if he wasn’t deeply closeted, I can’t date a homophobe.

Oh, that reminds me of the guy with the very soft, small hands and gentle, quiet voice who met me at a bar and then ordered white zinfandel. Everyone should drink what he or she likes best, and if you are happiest with a glass of pink wine in your ladyhand, who am I to judge? But I can’t date someone who seems more feminine than me. Don’t blame me; blame the patriarchy.

Most recently, I met a guy who told me, about a half hour into a coffee date, that I was his first attempt at dating since he got out of prison, and that he would be on federal parole for the next several years. So that was a real mood dampener. But I respected him for his honesty and for turning his life around. Then we started talking politics, and you know what this guy was? A Trump supporter! You can be a felon; I understand that sometimes we all make bad decisions. But if you think Donald Trump is a legitimate choice for president, there is something gravely wrong with you. I could not end that conversation fast enough.

I’m only telling you about the ones that I didn’t like. It goes the other way, too, of course. There was Hot Scott, who was brilliant and interesting—and hot, of course. He took me to a very nice dinner, so nice it almost made me uncomfortable. He told great stories and I thoroughly enjoyed talking with him. But he didn’t even walk me to my car (basic courtesy, right?) so I knew he wasn’t interested. Hard to fathom that someone wouldn’t be interested in ME, but hey, it happens. At least it was an entertaining date. There was also a guy from high school that I found on Tinder. We went out and he was delightful: charming and handsome and so fun to be around. Still is. We landed smack in the friend zone. That happens sometimes, too, and I’m okay with that.

So there you have it: a brief, sad summary of my dating life over the last year.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m too picky, or if I have unrealistic expectations. Am I like George Costanza, ruling out people for ridiculous reasons? Contrary to popular belief, being single for long periods of time does not make you inclined to settle. If anything, it makes you pickier. I’m old enough to know what I can and cannot live with. While I occasionally get tired of being alone (occasionally is another word I’m using loosely), I am pretty good at it. I know from experience that I’m happier on my own than I am when I’m with someone who isn’t a good fit.

We’re coming up on the holidays, so I’ll take another break pretty soon. My Match.com membership expires at the end of the month, and I’ll shut it down, delete my Tinder app, etc. I’ll have cozy nights by the fire with my dogs, who never tell me I need to lose weight. I’ll plan Christmas surprises for family and friends who aren’t flakey. And on New Years Eve, who knows? I could kiss anyone—anyone but a Trump supporter, that is. A girl must have her standards.